help and advice on contact after breakup?

vicky l · #1 (**permalink**) 08-16-2009, 03:45 PM

hi i need some help and advice.

my ex broke up with me about 14weeks ago now he said he didn't want to do it but he had to, he said i was too young for him I'm 19 he is 25 (i didn't see a problem), it felt like these were just excuses, then i cried and he even cried which i had never seen him do before...

anyway ever since the breakup i have heard from him at least once every few weeks!

just random text message or email asking me how i am, at first that's all it was but recently it has been much more friendly like he genuinely is interested in what i am doing and how me an my family is.

when we broke up he said we would still be friends which i found hard to believe would be true... this was my first love and serious relationship, we were dating for about 8 months.

what confuses me is why does he want to be my friend and keep in contact??

its not as if we act like normal friends would anyway.

i said hi to him on line the other day because i know he will be leaving to visit his family back in south Africa for Xmas, then he tells me he has something funny to tell me and he calls me!!!! :O

i was surprised, he just told me something funny that happened to him.

I'm confused though, everyone is telling me usually when you break up contact is cut and you move on, so how comes he is the one that broke up with me but he still does this.

i don't mind him doing it, it just confuses me

:S

thanks for the help x

Thanks very much, yes i agree i think he generally still cares about me and wants to keep in touch, he is not the kind of guy that would want to use me for sex etc. I'm going to keep it cool and try and stay friends

oh and i don't agree that you are someones 'option b' by just being their friend...

mauikittie · #2 (**permalink**) 08-20-2009, 03:45 PM

breakup sex is the best option at this point.

pools closed.

Trooper655 · #3 (**permalink**) 08-23-2009, 03:45 PM

It's not infrequent that the one who leaves wants to still be "just friends" after wards. This is often out of guilt ("Look, she hasn't completely lost me, I don't have to feel *that* bad about breaking up") or out of fear of loss (keeping the other person hanging around but with no commitment). Or, sometimes simply as a fallback relationship -- if a new relationship doesn't work out, they can rebound again on the old one until they're ready to try again.

Unfortunately, while it may be nicer for the person who wanted to break up, it usually is harmful for the one who didn't want to. As you found, it usually leads to confusion ("what do they really want? If they didn't want me, why are they keeping hanging around?!") or imbalance, since that person usually wants and tries to get the other person back in the romantic relationship. "Just friends" rarely works unless the breakup is mutual and amicable.

Sophia B · #4 (**permalink**) 08-28-2009, 03:45 PM

maybe he still wants to be with you. but he also does think it's wrong so might as well have it in BTW. right?
a friend and somewhat a boyfriend.

simpson_sophie · #5 (**permalink**) 08-29-2009, 03:45 PM

He does still have feelings for you, but sometimes guys feel "detached" from their other guy friends and that may have been a cause of the breakup. He is still contacting you because he is growing up a little and realizing you could be an important part in his life. Take the friendship for what it is right now, and if it was meant to be, things will take care of themselves. Don't get frustrated, be happy he is still in touch with you!

AllStar · #6 (**permalink**) 08-31-2009, 03:45 PM

He doesn't want to be your friend. He wants to keep his options open. Congrats on being the Plan B. If he doesn't find an option A he may come back to you... Just hold tight and keep waiting.