What advice would you offer your friend who is having a hard time conceiving?

~ Lace ~ · #1 (**permalink**) 12-08-2008, 09:33 PM

I have a friend who has been trying to conceive for about two years now, her insurance doesn't pay for infertility treatments so she is unable to go that route. Her husband is looking into taking the job offer that he was given which would offer way better insurance for both him and her and it would cover the cost of infertility treatments. She had a tubal pregnancy last year. and since then I have been trying to help her out and let her know that it will happen when God feels it is time, I have been giving her books, and doing a ton of research online for her and offering her the best idea's that I think I can. My husband and I are ttc and I am afraid that if we conceive before her and her husband do that it will hurt her feelings even more. So as a result my hubby and I decided to take a break for a bit, not so much for the fact of hurting her feelings but for the sake of not wanting to lose her as a friend. ANYONE HAVE ADVICE I COULD GIVE TO HER TO HELP HER FEEL BETTERIt is hard for her because I know how badly she wants to become a mommy and how heartbroken she gets when she hears about one of her friends becoming pregnant. She was in tears tonight because she found out one of her other friends just found out she is pregnant. They don't want to go the adoption route and I can understand that she wants to be able to give her husband a biological child and wants to experience pregnancy on her own. I just don't know how I can comfort her better and help her out with this.

mindy s · #2 (**permalink**) 12-09-2008, 12:30 AM

I suffer from infertility as well . there is really nothing you can say. Sometimes just not saying anything at all and listening is the best. I hope your friend gets her baby as well as you ! Good luck to the both of you !

roseytobear · #3 (**permalink**) 12-10-2008, 03:13 PM

I realize that you must care deeply for your friend, but it is possible that she will never conceive, so I would not keep telling her that it is gonna happen when God feels it is time. All you can do is just be there for her and be a shoulder she can cry on. When and if the times comes that she does conceive, God willing, through that girl the biggest baby shower of all time! I have a friend that has been married for 19 years, she got married at 17, and she has not conceived. Every month you know that the answer is no once again, just by the way she acts. You do not know how many times I have wished that my tubes were not tied. I truly would be a surrogate for her since she wants a wee one so bad. I feel so bad for her, and all I can do is just be there for her. It is not a good feeling; but unfortunately, it is all anyone can do. You keep being the good friend that you are. Godspeed.

orange1 · #4 (**permalink**) 12-12-2008, 04:33 AM

If your friend is still relatively young (i.e. under 34) then there is still a good chance she will conceive, especially since she has conceived before. She may need to relax before her body becomes viable for a pregnancy. She and her husband should take a romantic weekend vacation if that is possible. Does she work all the time and not get enough sleep? She may need to try massage therapy and possibly acupuncture, I hear that really helps. Is she charting her cycle and having sex on her fertile days? Has her husband been checked for a low sperm count? She may also want try a cervical cap, which holds the sperm against her cervix. Just tell her you love her and not to give up hope. If she's still not pregnant in a year than she may need fertility treatments.

cagney · #5 (**permalink**) 12-21-2008, 02:24 PM

you are a great friend. as someone who has been in your friend's shoes, the best advice you can give is none. keep educating yourself so you can inteligently answer her questions. but sometimes by giving your infertile friends books and God answers all they hear is they aren't doing it right. the mind of an infertility patient is a sad one, and everything in this world points to how our bodies have failed our husbands, families and ourselves. what an infertile friend needs is just a shoulder to cry on. you don't have to say anything, just listen. if you know more about her infertilty it's great when she does want to talk about it, because i'm sure intelligent conversations are hard to come by. everyone wants to fix things, but infertility sometimes can't be fixed. but the person can heal, they will never be the same, but they will heal in their own way no matter what has happened. i was an infertility patient for over 2 years of clomid, injections, poking, prodding and insurance that wouldn't cover it. we went deeper into debt because of my body. and the best advice i ever got from a friend was a tear in her eye and a long honest hug. you are a great friend and one that is not easily found. be her sounding board, but listen most of all, don't offer fixes, solutions or education to her unless she asks for it. as an infertility patient she's done the research, trust me. don't tell her it will happen in time, it may not, no one knows. and i just can't tell you enough times how great of a friend you are. and if you should be blessed before she is, don't be offended if she pulls away from you. it's an act of self-preservation. she will adjust and come back to you. i wish you both the best! wow you are wonderful, i wish i had more friends like you when i was going down the same path. i'm now the proud parent of a beautiful daughter, through the miracle of adoption. it has eased the pain we went through, but i will never forget who was there for me and who wasn't. infertility is something that will be with her for a lifetime, and how great you are there with her.