In a relationship I'm unhappy with, but have kids!?

Mary · #1 (**permalink**) 12-24-2008, 09:21 PM

I'm looking for advice on how to deal with my situation. I am a stay-at-home mother of four beautiful children, but I'm in a marriage that is not healthy. Although, the physical abuse has stopped, the emotional abuse is horrible at times. My relationship with my husband has gotten so that I do not speak with him about things that I know will make him mad or he will not agree with. I always thought my life partner would be someone I could speak to about anything.....and he would help me through it. He is very controlling, cuts me down, etc. After 20 years of this, my heart feels empty for him. I know that I took marriage vows and made a promise for life, but I'm not sure that I will be able to see the marriage through forever. Right now....it's all about the kids. I have suggested counseling, but my husband thinks that is"stupid". I find myself avoiding situations that I know will make him angry. I find myself avoiding people that I know he doesn't like. I need moral supportI want to add that my husband is a very good, involved father. It's the relationship with me that he isn't good at. The kids love him, BUT do see (and don't fully understand) his treatment of me. The kids are 13, 10, 7&4.

melanie v · #2 (**permalink**) 12-27-2008, 09:14 PM

Hello, first of all I am so glad you recognise that you need help. Many people just plod along and waste their lives hoping things will change but they wont.I am one of five children. my parents were together for 18 years and i'd say there were some good times but my mum was very unhappy for the last 8 years or so because they just didnt get on anymore. We as children felt the atmosphere and lack of love between our parents. even though they tried to hide the rows we could feel the tension and the cracks. We were all devastated at first when they decided to split up but after a month or so we were so much happier because there were no more rows or bad atmospheres. plus my parents are better people without each other. we lived with mum and visited dad. they have a civil relationship now, by no means friends but they do it because of the children they have together. I am 26 now and I am so glad they divorced. my mum is happily re married and my younger brothers and sisters love my step dad as their own as he does them.Although its not nice to admit your relationship has failed, staying together for the sake of the children is the worst thing you can do. make yourself happy and your children will reap the benefits. I hope you manage to deal with your problems. If it helps see a counsellor on your own to build up some confidence and get the help you need.Good luck!!! xxIn addition to some of the other comments, yes the bible says you should not divorce. however, I am not a religeous person but was brought up in a catholic school. I beleive that if there is a god, he would be forgiving if you divorced because why would he want you to live unhappily? where in the bible does it say its ok for a husband to treat his wife this way??? you only get one life...make it worth living

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Jadon · #3 (**permalink**) 01-08-2009, 04:35 AM

hey well firstly, if your a christian, a divorce is wrong. In the bible it says that you should only divorce if the other person is sexually immoral (i.e. cheating on you), however if your not a christian, there is always the option of divorce. Sometimes bringing another family member into it can help, either someone trusted on his side, who can talk to him, or someone on your side. And you can either get counscelling or sort things out on your own. Threaten him with divorce? But chances are a divorce would be tricky.. just stick to it aye, get help from ppl who can talk to him.