A question about love or the lack of it?

TDI A · #1 (**permalink**) 12-29-2008, 08:56 PM

I've been married for 3 years now and we have a 2 year old daughter. We both love our daughter to death. My problem is that since she wa born the relationship has gone down hill. More fights, bickering and so on. This sort of created some distance between us.I feel like I no longer love my wife although she's been kind to me. I also think we may have rushed into this marriage and parenting. I'm not sure I even loved her in first place, enough for commiting myself for the rest of my life. I also honestly think that my wife deserves someone better than me because I have some issues that I haven't managed to overcome. When I say that I don't necessarily mean that I deserve someone better than her.I'm frustrated with this relationship to a point that whenever I see a pretty face in the street, I feel like I could have been happy with that other person.I'd like to hear what you think I should be doing. Please indicate if you're married with/without children.

steve b · #2 (**permalink**) 01-04-2009, 12:54 AM

clear your senses. you have children that are depending on you. alot of people have a silly notion that marriage is about love. don't worry about love. make a strong friendship with your wife and set long and short term goals. this is stuff like sending kids to college, making savings for retirement, the house you want... stuff like this. also you need to do things together that bring good feelings and you need to do things seperate that help you show off towards one another. another thing you need to do, stop making the kids the center of your life if you are doing that. GET A BABY SITTER. Even in a marriage alone time is necessary.BTW. what you are feeling.. the feeling that you don't love your wife is SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. Love is supposed to sedduce you into making a relationship but over time those intense feelings to wear off. that's why i recommend baseing your relationship on friendship not love. lose is a fleeting emotion that always can disappear. friendship is based on common interest and trust and is much hard to crack.

All Aces · #3 (**permalink**) 01-05-2009, 02:55 AM

I can feel where you are coming from. I am married for five years, we dont have a child as of now. But a couple of years down the line I had the same feeling. It felt as though we were living with each other because we are married and nothing more. But I assure you its just a phase. In your case you have a baby, which takes up majority of your wife's time and I am sure you come back from work and want to spend time with your child too. And when both of you get stressed at the end of the day a little thing said by either of you can lead to a quarrel which leads to things in the past and agruing about them too.I think all you need to do is add some spice back in your life. You both need to be stress free. Do Yoga it helps trust me. Spend some time together, go for a quick dinner just the two of you if there is possibilty of leaving your child in good hands for an hour or so. Call each other during the day just to talk for a couple of minutes. Get some gifts for her and thank her for being kind. Things will change. Its just a Phase and everyone goes through it.

confused · #4 (**permalink**) 01-05-2009, 05:08 AM

Whether u have unfinished issues or not, does not make the decision u have taken about not loving your wife. When u fell in love with her, u did not think about those issues, but about spending the rest of your life happy with her. U can trust your wife to help u because u need her and she needs u. Most importantly, your daughter needs both of u. If u leave your wife and find someone else, u will still have issues to solve. Give it a try.

AlisonFox · #5 (**permalink**) 01-24-2009, 06:32 PM

I'm single, never been married, and without children. I think you owe it to your daughter to try. You must have seen something in your wife to marry her. Try to find it again. If that doesn't work, see a marriage counselor and try to reconcile your differences. Just make sure you exhaust every option before calling it quits. I am an only child of divorced parents and it isn't any fun. Stay together as long as you can before you give up.

Kathryn R · #6 (**permalink**) 02-02-2009, 10:08 AM

You should go into counseling with your wife and see if you can resolve the situation for all of your sakes. As for not working on some issues that you have that's your problem and something you're going to have to work on either now or later. If those issues are serious enough to impact your relationship with your wife than they will probably impact any other relationship that you might have. You have to get your life together no matter who you're with. You should do it with your wife for the sake of your daughter she should come first life isn't perfect but she's innocent and should be taken care of first. You don't say how old you are but if you're over the age of 25 you're old enough to know that all actions have consequences. Your daughter shouldn't have to suffer for a mistake you've made with out you doing all you can to fix it first.