Marriage AdviceMarriage vows are powerful words that at times are hard to maintain. Many fear that marriage isn't the same commitment that it once was. Leave your fears at home and take a dose of marriage advice to help you maintain a committed relationship. Bring any questions or concerns regarding your death do you part.
My husband and I have been married for 2 yrs but been together for 12 yrs. He has a problem with being open and honest with me and obviously I have a problem trusting him. I found out that he has a close "friendship" with a female co-worker and its upsetting me because every time I try to talk to him about it he gets upset and says there is nothing there. Maybe it isn't sexual but emotionally there is and he do sent see it that way. Also I dint feel that we are best friends as husbands and wives should be. I dint feel that I can come and talk to him about what is bothering me, but he has gotten cards from females saying thank you so much for being there for me. I feel he is leaving me out emotionally, but every time I try to talk to him it is always a negative response.
We never really got to become close emotionally because I became pregnant at sixteen when we were now starting out and it has never been time for just the two of us and he prefers to spend time with his friends.
Thank you all for responding, I really needed to get it out of my system because I wasn't getting that support from him.
Its true I dint know myself without him but I also am a person who does not need alto of friends around me I prefer to spend my time with my family I an very family oriented and have been committed to him from a young age.
I would definitely try to get counsel ling because I know there are issues from way in the past that never got resolved and keeps us from moving forward.
Voice your concern to him and let him know your feelings. Remind him that he married you and not his co-workers. Tell him you want to be able to spend more time with him and that he should communicate with you more.
I am trying to figure out why did u get married? I hope not for the child because what gift is a poor relationship. Both you and your husband's growth were stopped and he is trying to keep childhood going. You can wait for him to grow up or leave. This situation is hard because you have been with him so long you don't even know yourself without him.
I know people like to snap quick "go see a professional" replies here, but that is really what is in order here. It sounds like this has been going on for some time now. Get some help before it's too late.
Ditto from me. Tell him how you feel... then ask him to go for counseling with you. Try to stay calm when you talk to him and don't accuse him of anything... just make it about how you FEEL and tell him you wish that you guys could be best friends as well as husband and wife to make your marriage stronger for yourselves and your child/Rena.
Sounds to me like you are right on in your analysis. While he may not be involved sexually, his response certainly shows that whatever is going on, this is the way he wants it. I think you need to start preparing for the worst while hoping and working for the best.
My experience has been that it is very difficult to get close once the drive to get there has ended. Marriage seems to do that in many cases.
Maybe you need to get out more...start spending more time with your own friends; get some perspective. You have many options that you probably can't see because you are focused on his ff. I'd suggest going together to see someone but I'd bet he wouldn't do it.
Honey I know how you feel!! I was pregnant and married at 17. He only had time for his friends. They were always at our house and the two of us rarely had any alone time. I hate to tell the outcome of this relationship but will anyhow. We grew further apart and he began having an affair with a coworker after we had been married 3 years. He got her pregnant and didn't want to work things out with me. He said he felt sorry for what he had done and felt he needed to be there for her (she was younger than us still in high school). I wanted to try to work through it but he kept going to her, that was when I knew the marriage was over. I say try to get him to go with you to counseling before something does happen. If he is willing to work on the relationship that is a start. Good luck, I hope you both will seek counseling together for your family's sake.
You might want to talk to your husband and ask him if he'd be interested in seeing a marriage counselor. A counselor could be a neutral person who can help you communicate these things to each other, without it turning negative.
Here is a free website with advice for strengthening marriages:
http://www.marriageadvice.com/
One important part of marriage is trust. I know how easy it is to be jealous of these female friends. It's hard not to let your mind wander to dangerous places - but unless he's given you a real reason not to trust him you have to assume that he is faithful. What you're feeling is normal and okay - but don't dwell on it to the point that it drives you crazy. No matter who he talks to at work - you are the woman he comes home to every day. That does count for something.
It wouldn't be a bad idea to get a baby sitter some Saturday night and just go out on a date. Do something the two of you enjoy doing together and focus on everything positive. Doing this once in awhile helps restore intimacy.
Sounds like your problem is lack of communication. You need to explain this to your man and y'all need to learn to sit down and discuss your feelings, problems, needs, etc. Tell him you need a shoulder to cry on just like the girls at work sometimes. Like, why can you be there for them but not for me? Without good communication you will end up being two strangers living together without love or respect and that is a more lonely life than being alone.
If this don't work find a someone to confide in like your husband has apparently done.
This is really tricky. While I firmly agree with the idea of a husband or a wife having friends who are members of the opposite sex, there does create the potential for either one of them to stray. At the same time, there does need to be a lot of trust in any relationship, especially marriage! It takes a short time to damage the trust in a relationship, but a LONG time to build it. The best thing I can recommend for the two of you is to see a marriage counselor. You don't have ANYTHING going on now that can't be worked out with the help of a professional. But you both have to go into it admitting that your marriage needs some work, and have an open mind that a marriage counselor might be able to help! Do it now, before it's too late. Another suggestion I can make is to take a night a week, get a babysitter, and do something together. Strengthen your relationship. Get to know each other again. While you've both changed over time, you're two new people today!
Warning your marriage is in danger! Any time someone starts developing an opposite sex relationship with someone other then their spouse your marriage is at risk of an affair. Stop right now and go by a book called His Needs Her Needs. This will give you great insight on what is lacking in your marriage and what you need to do to make sure your husband receives everything he needs at home with you. You need to be willing to change and do whatever it takes to save your marriage.
I also suggest you go to WNW.TheLordsChurch.org and read the messages for woman, they should help.
It sounds like neither of you got a chance to 'enjoy your youth' or whatever they call it. (I don't necessarily believe it anyway.)
First, you need to decide if you are commit ed to repairing your relationship. Then you need to make an appointment to see a marriage counselor. Go even if he doesn't want to come. You can still vent your angers and learn how to communicate better. Once he sees the changes, he'll get curious.
It's normal for any man or woman to want to hang out with their friends, but I would suggest putting aside one day a week or every other week for the two of you to have a 'date.' Whether you actually go anywhere doesn't matter. It's that you spend time together. You can make it fun to get him to go along or just stay at home and have dinner together. It doesn't matter as long as it's quality time.
As far as his female friend goes, he might not even be aware of what he's doing. He probably feels confused and lonely like you and is taking solace where he can find it. When you talk to him about it, don't accuse him of anything, just tell him how you feel and how it effects you. Once he goes to the counselor, this will probably work itself out.
It seems everyone else says talk to him. But it seems you've tried that. It isn't working right yet.
In order to fix your relationship you have to fix yourself. Trust is important and you have already admitted that you struggle with this. This is the first thing. A wise man once said you cannot attempt to remove the speck of sawdust from your friend's eye until you remove the piece of wood from your own. Lots of men have female friends. And not every couple is best friends. I love my husband to death but my best friend is a girl. His is a guy. We are friends but not best friends.
Second, most guys are not emotionally open. It is like prying open Jaws the Shark to get my husband to tell me how he feels. Most of the time I know anyway, but I wanted him to tell me. Now I accept he probably won't verbally and instead tells me other ways. His tone of voice, his mannerism, and a host of other things is his way of expressing his emotion.
You may be seeing this emotionally sensitive guy toward other women because you want to. You want that emotionally sensitive guy for you and don't have it. So you see it every time he is remotely nice to another woman. Of course he may be more sensitive toward other women as well. He may be the kind that wants everyone to be happy. You are his wife so you stay happy. That isn't an egotistical thing. It is easier then admitting that something he has done has made you unhappy.
All in all I think that if you want to save your marriage you need to go to marriage counseling. Even if he agrees not to go you can go to individual marriage counseling and learn some new ways to handle what it going on.
Single women have no business having "emotional" or "platonic" relationships with your husband. Don't be naive and don't believe that crap that they are "just friends". Having an emotional relationship is just as painful as having a "physical" one and he will neglect your feelings and your marriage as he spends more time "being there" for his friends.
You are right, husband and wife should be best friends and a single female be-grinding your husband spells TROUBLE.
You seem like a sweet, mature and smart lady, be wise and take action now. By no means start a scene at his work place as it will only make matters worse.
Tell him that you would like to meet his "friends" too and be involved in his social circle. If everything is as harmless as he claims to be, he won't have no problem doing so, if not, you will know that there is something else there that you need to keep a close watch on.
I think counseling will help. I have the same problem as I married the person I met very young as well. I used to be emotionally there for her before, but it backfired at times and she accused me of this and that. After so many times of this, people withdraw and seek out other ways of emotional comfort. Young adults shouldn't get into commitments too early as they are maturing themselves.
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