Sex in marriage - or lack of it - christian advice?
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Sex in marriage - or lack of it - christian advice?
I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 4. I haven't been able to enjoy sex or intimacy with him for the last 2-3 years. It has never been great, but at least it was Cos. I am or have come to the conclusion that we are physically incompatible? I am 5ft 10 and slim and athletic, and he is 5ft11 and quites Lem and small frame and I always feel big next to him.
He isn't able to listen to me very well. I have noticed that he doesn't understand physical ques in bed, i.e. tensing of the body with things not liked, going very quiet - and I try asking nicely, but then end up having to be very abrupt, and over the years it has just become a battle, so that I don't even want to go there. I can't explain it to anyone, but sex is... tense and horrible because he doesn't understand me. He expects me to dress sexily for him all the time, but I don't fancy him at all anymore. I have sex with him whenever he likes, but I can't make love. I feel so heavy hearted because I am a romantic dreamy person, and I love being held, kissed, I love making love, and it's been such a long time.
BUT we have a 2 year old son, and I couldn't split my family apart. I don't know how to move on when I am almost repulsed by intimacy with him. I had sex with him again a few days ago, and the whole time he kept moving me into positions, and I kept tensing when I didn't want to be moved, and he doesn't notice or is too insensitive to know not to, I used to cry after sex 3-4 years ago, but now I am residing myself to a life without sex and am grieving. I feel really bad for my husband too but don't know how to get over this.
Maybe you should consider seeing a couples therapist of sex therapist, they could definitely help.
I'd love to help you but I'm not a sex therapist so I dint really have any expertise here, but really I think it would be a good idea, you shouldn't be stuck like that.
I think you guys need to talk. You have to remember that he can't read your mind, he doesn't know what your problem is unless you tell him. Some men aren't very good at reading cues, and that's fine, it just means you have to talk. Talk to him when you aren't having sex, because he's not going to be listening if you try to tell him when you're actually doing it.
Do you talk about it? My husband doesn't understand subtle hints either. I have to speak up and tell him. Most of the time I won't tell him while we're in the middle of it, but after wards he'll ask if I like this or that, and I'm just honest. Or I'll tell him I really like when you do this, or when I'm positioned this way.
I know it's hard b/c you don't want to hurt his feelings, but the only way he's going to know is if you tell him
**DR RIGINSWAND** Are you saying then it's easier for a person to have thoughts of their spouse with past sexual partners? I can assure you that knowing this of my husband is far worse than any dry spells that have come our way. These things can be worked through. You can't take away past partners. HMO
But there's two sides to every story, perhaps you just need to relight the spark.
Communicate with your husband on a mature level, and if he loves you, and you love him, then you'll both be understanding, patient, and find a middle ground.
And that's why sex before marriage is not a bad thing. If you'd known you were physically incompatible, you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place, and your kid wouldn't have uncomfortable parents, which frankly is just as bad as having divorced parents, trust me.
Wow...I'm a Christian...and this sounds pretty familiar. Unfortunately I haven't found an answer for myself so I can't help you. I can't help but think some men are pretty clueless and I have one of them. I have been married 16 years and have three children and like you would never split over something like this. I stopped crying after sex about a year ago. We seldom have sex. Hope your situation turns around soon so you don't end up like me.
Maybe you could print out your question and show it to him (if you dare)
Gosh... I feel so bad for you... I am very fortunate in that my husband and I are very open about our likes and dislikes.... I tell him right away when I don't like something. I think the best think to do is listen to the advice someone above me gave.. Go to a sex therapist. Or maybe even a marriage counselor.
Try being more open with him.. Men sometimes are completely clueless as to what women want/like/hint at.
I certainly wouldn't recommend divorcing your husband just because you are sexually incompatible at the moment, especially if this is the only problem in the marriage and since you have a child together.
I can imagine how frustrating this must be for you, and how hopeless you feel. If you want some advice from one woman to another, I can tell you from personal experience that getting your husband to please you in bed is much easier than you may think. Men need to know that they are virile and very competent in bed; they need to believe that you think they are the best lover in the world. If they believe you think this, they will desire to do anything to please you in bed. One thing that really works is, when he does something you DO like, tell him you like it. "I really love it when you..." or "it feels so nice when you..." etc. Even if it's something he hasn't done in a while, tell him you love it and I guarantee he will do it. Don't lie and say you like something when you don't, but be sure to accentuate the positive.
Be sure to communicate with him after wards. DO NOT make it a critique of his sexual prowess. Simply concentrate on the things you love when he does, and communicate that with him. Tell him he is really good at doing CZ, and you can be sure he will perform CZ the next time.
Continue this until he is doing mostly things you enjoy in bed. Of course, occasionally he will still want to experiment and do things which are pleasing to him, but sex is all about give and take, right?
I really hope this helped. Also, remember you are not alone in this; thousands of couples experience sexual problems. That's why there are hundreds of books on sex in marriage out there! Perhaps you can go to the book store tomorrow and find a good one?
Sex was made by God for marriage, and you can enjoy it.
Maybe your husband just don't understand how it works (assuming he is a born again Christian, who wants to please God). then, a book would help you both.
I know these:
"Intended for pleasure" by by Ed Wheat and Gaye Wheat,
and/or
"The Act of marriage" by Tim LaHaye.
That way he may understand (and you as well) the differences between men and women towards sex, and how to communicate.
You may be surprised how much the situation can be changed with the proper information.
Hope this helps. God bless.
Have you asked your husband if he is enjoying your sex life together? It is fairly unusual for one partner to be having a bad time while the other is simply swanning along. Your husband might be as eager to find a new way of relating as you are.
For example: you say 'he isn't able to listen to me very well' but then a sentence later you add 'I don't even want to go there.'. If you aren't talking, it may be very difficult for him to listen.
You probably need to see a relationship counselor - though if you are both Christians it may be easier for you just jointly to decide that sex isn't your thing. Things won't improve unless you want them to; they also won't improve unless you are both willing to do something about it.
At a fundamental level I suppose I am bewildered at why one would even want to have sex with someone one can't easily talk to. A good conversational relationship is the best foreplay in the world, and remains crucial throughout a marriage. That is probably why we call it 'intercourse'.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this unhappy state. You have a choice though, to try to make things better, or to carry on being unhappy. I strongly suggest you try to make things better.
There are many things you could try. Do you belong to a church that offers counsel ling? Would your husband be willing to give it a go? Maybe the idea of bringing it up with him makes you feel anxious in the first place. The first thing you need to do, then, is start talking. Maybe you could approach him indirectly, for example, writing down how you feel in a letter and giving it to him to read? Or get a leaflet or book on how to improve your sex life and leave it lying around. If your husband is really unwilling to work on this, you could go to counsel ling alone, or find a supportive friend to talk to.
Above all, you are a Christian and therefore under God's love. Set aside time, daily, to pray.....He listens, and He wants the best for you, in your marriage as in everything. He cannot be shocked, so don't hold back. Pray that you may both change, for the benefit of you both in your marriage. I will pray for you.
I am sorry to hear about your problems. Could it be that your problems started with some degree of post-natal depression. It is certainly not unusual for women to go off sex after having a baby and these feelings can sometimes persist. It might be a good idea to get your hormone levels checked to be sure everything is OK there. You could also consider some herbal supplements such as Maca or Damiana, and also Royal Jelly. Looking after a toddler can be exhausting so that could sometimes leave you feeling less than amorous and that may impact on your hormones, creating a sort of viscous circle. Make sure you look after your health....eat well, take B Complex vitamins if your energy levels dip and make sure you get enough quality sleep. Let your husband know how you feel if are tired, feel drained or don't quite have the energy or incentive to make a big effort by way of attire every time. If he loves you he should understand. Just try not to get defensive or make his manhood feel threatened in any way when doing so.
Think of ways that you can learn to fancy your husband again. Try to remember how things were in the beginning and if you could somehow rekindle that. Perhaps you could postpone sex for a time and just enjoy kissing, fondling and caressing for a time and giving each other a massage and enjoying some romantic dinners together. Perhaps you also need to discuss with each other, but away from the bedroom scene, what pleases you and displeases you in the bedroom and vice verse.....with utmost tact OS as not to make his manhood feel diminished. You should not feel pressurized into engaging in something you are uncomfortable with. But you need to let your feelings be known outside of the bedroom really so that intimacy does not become soured in the bedroom.
Perhaps make the first move with regards to a romantic gesture But discuss with him how you feel....perhaps over a quiet dinner with just the two of you.
Take care.
I sincerely hope everything works out for you as a family.
Best wishes.
Sex in marriage - or lack of it - christian advice?
