What advice would you give a man in a sexless marriage?
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What advice would you give a man in a sexless marriage?
I was reading this on the Internet...
http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article6816158.ece
Dear Tanya
I am a red-blooded 66-year-old man, married for 30 years, 28 of which have been sexless.
Recently a female colleague said ?I love you? to me. She uses the phrase to mean ?thanks, you?re a friend?, nothing more.
This, of course, I did?t know then. It hit me very hard; no one had said that to me for 28 years and I almost collapsed at the time. It took me a few weeks to understand what was said and why. I needed counsel ling but was unable to find a suitable counselor.
Another lady colleague, half my age, who I trust, could see that something was wrong and over a few weeks it all came out during downtime at work. Only by discussing it with the lady in question and writing everything down have I had any sense of closure on those three little words.
Now, six months later, I have another problem. I have never strayed, love my wife, have always accepted the situation, but my sexuality has been challenged and I find myself with feelings for a number of new female friends. One of them may have some thoughts about me. What can I do about these new feelings?
Raymond
The advice in the answer sounds good, but it does not look at why the situation came about. What do you think?
I would tell him to get some porn and some lube and take matters into his own hands ... that is, if he still loves his wife aside from the sex issue. If he does not, it might be time to move on and find happiness on his own, perhaps with someone else.
I didn't read the answer because I couldn't be bothered to click on the link. Yes, he should look at the situation first - is it just they grew old and apart? Medical problem? Other problems? If it can't be fixed by trying to work on the relationship with his wife, counsel ling, doctor etc. then he should get divorced and get some sex if that is more important to him than his wife.
Hmmm.... This is a tough one. I did read the link, the letter and the answer. It "felt" like a very good, thorough answer.
But you're right. She did not look at why the situation came about. Do YOU have any ideas as to why the situation came about? I have a sense that these ideas must come from you and cannot be "suggested" by outsiders.
So it's a challenge: "What do YOU think caused the situation in the first place and what questions would you pose to the Answers community then?!?!"
I'm with you. Soothing the soul but not finding the trigger of the loveless marriage.
Something happened after two years to stop the loving, even the "I love you" stopped so first of why did it stop and why did he not do anything for so long.
there are a lot of issues there. it seems as though for years he has repressed any emotional needs, and got on with the situation and got used to it. then along comes a woman who says an off the cuff remark and it awakened something he's been missing for years. it's really sad. to be honest, i don't think anythings going to change in his wife, so he should consider leaving. we are only here once and every person alive craves love, whether they admit it or not. the way he has reacted to those 3 Little words has made him assess his situation, and he deserves to be happy. i think eventually he will stray and hopefully find happiness.
I see only two suitable answers...one is, if you've gone 28 years without and have made it you can go 28 more....or you can end your marriage and find a partner that satisfies you in all areas of the relationship...I do not think staying married and having a sexual affair is a good idea, because it may seem OK as long as the wife doesn't know then what can it hurt but.....most the time the wife does find out someone way somehow, and then all three will suffer
I think it's an awfully sad existence he's chosen for himself. I wonder the reason behind the sexual issues and what has made him choose to maintain this relationship. I think that after twenty eight years that any reason is going to be hard to overcome and to get things back on track would be nearly impossible, thus the advice was the only that could be given. I'd probably advise him figure out what he wants from his life at this point, to talk to his wife about how the lack of sex and intimacy (in any way) has effected him, to work on the issue if they think they're up to it. If it's not possible consider separating or finding a solution that would allow him to feel loved for the rest of the time he has here, while providing for his wife and family (which is obviously a concern for him).
I find it very difficult to perceive or remotely imagine going without sex for 28 years!!! Wow.... you need to get laid before you forget what it is really like.
I suppose everyone will relate this question to themselves and I am no different. We went about 8 years without sex for several reasons....mainly because I had a medical problem and became scared of sex, and his reaction was 'get yourself sorted out'. Also we had demanding young children who would never sleep without one of us etc. and it just became easier to ignore it.
All other contact between us gradually died too, because neither of us wanted to start something we weren't going to finish, so to speak. Eventually we both got used to it and both thought the other was happy with it. In actuality, neither of us were.
In the end, predictably, my husband was shaken up by someone at work showing an interest in him, and he ended up having an affair with her. In the end, his affair led us both to reevaluate our relationship and we realized that neither of us had been happy with the situation.
After four months he ended his affair, and we are like teenagers again now, making up for lost time! So I particularly liked the last bit of the advice given....the bit about him having the rug pulled out from under him but please don't do the same to your wife. She may be very unhappy with the situation and desperate for some love and romance too. It's hard to initiate after so long.
What it really comes down to, is how much the husband and wife love one another. If they truly do then they will overcome everything. If not, then it is definitely time to move on.
In my opinion you do not have a marriage, what you have is a friendship. You should have resolved this problem years ago. When two people get married they expect (or at least should expect) a physical and emotional relationship. If one partner gets married with the intention of having a sexless marriage they are dishonest and short changing their partner. I think its hardly likely that you and your wife will resume a physical relationship and my opinion, for what it is worth, you should find what you need (notice I said need not want), elsewhere if possible. Nevertheless, at some point I think you have to confront your wife with your intention in order to be honest with her.
You are in the winter of your life, you do not have enough time left to waste it.
If I were you, I wouldn't take too much notice of what 'kids' are advising you to do on here, they have more time left for their mistakes.
Sorry but its not worth staying with someone who is not affectionate. Life is too short not to be respected. Divorce your wife and find someone who you can have a meaningful relationship with...you can always still be her drained if you want. Make sure if you get a divorce you divide your belongings equal and please don't fight.
Well the obvious first thought is that the guy is out working and what opportunities does the wife have if she isn't working and stuck at home and making a home for the husband who is now looking for an excuse to be unfaithful to her at every opportunity.
When we make our marriage vows we declare that we will stay together "in sickness and in health" which means that if one partner doesn't want to have sex for whatever reason the other has to put up with it.
Having been born female and quite happy about it I will obviously never understand the male sexual desire and I think a man may never understand the female equivalent. Women often go off sex for instance after childbirth for a bit, and possibly again after the menopause, and where there are underlying psychological problems in the marriage sex cannot take place if it is seen sensitively by one or both partners as a form of "forgiveness" which cannot be accepted.
It bothers me that this article comes solely from the male point of view, the woman might have been suffering as much from whatever problems led to the loss of physical affection but we do not hear her side of the story.
Your link seemed a bit slow and I couldn't be bothered to wait for the answer but I think women have enough to put up without being castigated for not being sexually available under all circumstances 24/7 to a man they have trusted enough to commit to spending the rest of their life with.
What advice would you give a man in a sexless marriage?
