I am having major issues with my marriage. Please help?
Marriage AdviceMarriage vows are powerful words that at times are hard to maintain. Many fear that marriage isn't the same commitment that it once was. Leave your fears at home and take a dose of marriage advice to help you maintain a committed relationship. Bring any questions or concerns regarding your death do you part.
I am having major issues with my marriage. Please help?
My husband and I have been together for 9 years (married for almost 3) and things just aren't working. They haven't been for a long time. He's Soho controlling for one thing. We have two small children ( ages 2 1/2 and 5 months) and he works while I stay at home with the kids. Our bank account is really his bank account because I had an old account in the negative and they wont let me be added on to his till the balance is resolved with my credit. He doesn't let me have any access to our funds unless he know exactly what it's for, yet he can decided to spend OUR money where ever and whenever he wants. Lately he's been going out to play pool and despite his promises not to drink (because he knows he can't control himself enough just to have one or two), he comes home so drunk he gets loud and verbally abusive. These last two times I even feared for my safety cause he kept threatening me telling me when the kids go to bed he's gonna "Fu%k me up" or "bash my face in". He hasn't really assaulted me yet but I'm afraid it only a matter of time. He also wouldn't stop using the F word to a point where my 2 year old daughter eventually repeated him saying Fu%k you TO ME!!! The next day he always says how sorry he is and how he knows I deserve better, but a week later he does it again. And the whole control thing has never changed or gotten any better. My mom wants me to bide my time and start learning my father's trade as a computer tester so I can have a way of getting a job so I can leave him and support myself. She gave me a CD to look at on my computer about the basics and my husband wouldn't stop pushing and asking what it was. I don't want to tip my hand and give him the advantage of knowing what I plan to do, but how do I do that when he's so relentless for an answer? I just don't want to fight anymore and I don't want to feel like a prisoner in my own skin. I need advice on how to move forward.
And I wouldn't have said anything at all about the CD except when I went to look at it I realized he had taken the CD drive out of my computer to use for his computer at work and I asked him to put it back at which point he wanted to know why I needed it.
And I am planning on leaving him. I just don't have a way to financially support myself and having not worked in over 3 years it's not going to be easy to do without some preparation. That's what I meant about "tipping my hand"
Why did you let your husband even see the CD? he works all day, you could have looked at it in those hours. Forget biding your time. Move in with your mother and get looking for a job.
you are not enjoying the situation, in fact you are a hostage...
i would have serious talk (maybe wise to have 3rd party like marriage counseling, specially if he tends to be abusive and or aggressive) and if that does not help, time to bail out...
The only thing that you can do is pack up and go home, or even to a shelter. Life is too short to deal with a selfish idiot like this. you need to get away from him at all cost. There are programs that protect women in your situation, get you a place, and help you with school or employment. Men like this eventually put their hands on you. I am so sorry you ended up married to a loser. The more distance between you and him, the better. He will also have to pay child support so do not worry to much.
Unfortunately due to your poor credit history there is no "our" account, plus because he knows the way you spent money in the past he has to be accountable for where the money is going, that is why he is asking you what you need it for.
About him spending money frivolously well what should happen is that every month each partner should have some money to get something that they want...which means that he should give you a small amount to do whatever you like an he should also have a small amount to spend as he wishes; all of this is as long as you can afford it.\
But all of this about tipping your hand etc a marriage is a partnership and it is about sharing everything, you should not keep what you are planning to do from him, unless you are planning to leave him.
He also needs to get concealing for verbal and emotional abuse that he dishes out to you an hence your Ki's.
Control is abuse. Withholding money is considered monetary abuse. Swearing and threatening is verbal abuse - in fact, you can call the police and have him removed if he threatens you. The sorry part is just a part of the cycle of abuse....the exp lotion, the apology, the honeymoon phase and then it repeats. How do you feel about getting him out of the house, i.e. getting a restraining order to keep him away from you? Would you feel safe or would you fear retaliation? What about moving in with your mom or a friend he doesn't know of? Please get out of the situation to a place you and your child will be safe. It's not going to get better.
I am sorry but this advice of bide your time is no good. You are in an abusive marriage, get out now! if not for you, for your precious children at least. Go to the welfare, have a safe house to go in, when you get on to benefits which you will, then you can move forward and learn your Father's trade. There are many women that stay a little longer and a little longer and... the next you hear, they have not been in the position to stay any longer. Yes, he may make threats and not carry them out but do you want to stay to see if he does? Your daughter is already becoming damaged by this, she is repeating what he says to you, how much more damage do you need to see before you leave? if you can leave that is.
I was lucky years ago to go when I did, other women were not so lucky.
I think you should let him know what you are going to do and capable to do.There is no need to hide or get scared to do something that will support you in future.The confidence in you to do some job and earn for your self should be encouraged as that is going to be,not only your need but your necessity.Once he comes to know that you can be on your own I am sure either he will change his attitude or then be submissive to you.Men with EGO always want their wives to be submissive and depend ant so they can always boss around.What you are doing is not a sin that he has any right to stop you from doing.Go ahead and be confident that you too have a right to live and breath...
By reading Ur problem according to me... u both need to understand the basics of relationship.
U need to be polite and caring and loving and u need to show him that u no matter what always trust him, not just from outside but from bottom of your heart. EXACTLY AS YOU DO TO YOUR MOTHER if you know what i mean, just see him as a family and your husband not only as father of your children. there is big difference in both relationships.
when your mother father or your real brother say something to you do you feel that r they controlling you - you probably won't feel that way with them but about your husband you do, think about it WHY? because there is no TRUST in your relationship.
and i bet in 90% of cases when family relations do not work very well it is known that male have been abusive to female but deep analysis clearly shows that it female provokes male to do so. IS THAT THE REASON WITH YOU TOO. If you think yes then why dint u start with changing that from today and do not expect any nice behavior in return from your husband and you will see the change it may take a longer period of time but it will happen. I would not advice you to leave him without doing this. For the sake of your children you need to look into work on your relationship not breaking it.
I am having major issues with my marriage. Please help?
