Married or People in Long Term Relationships, got a question about opposite sex friends for you. I Need Advice?
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Married or People in Long Term Relationships, got a question about opposite sex friends for you. I Need Advice?
Okay this may end up sort of long but I want to explain everything.
I have been with my boyfriend (I will call him Jay in this story) for 5 years (we have lived together for 3) and we are both 24. He has never cheated, always been honest with me and we have a great relationship, and he has never done anything that would make me feel suspicious (until now). Before we started dating I had a boyfriend that cheated on me for the entire 4 years that we were together and that made it really hard for me to open up and trust my current boyfriend at first, I didn't want to get hurt again. But anyway, other than that things have been great. Well recently I have had a gut feeling, a "woman's intuition" so to speak. Let me explain why.
Jay has friends at his work that are close to us in age. There are 3 main ones that he talks the most about. James, Lisa, and Toni. They have Mondays off from work and James and Jay hang out all the time. Well on Monday I left work early (around noon) and found out that Jay, James, Lisa and Toni were all hanging out at a local pizza joint. I decided to join them. We hung out, ate pizza, and chatted. But the entire time I felt awkward. They didn't really include me in the conversations, they kept bringing up "inside" jokes from work and talking about stuff that I knew nothing about. Needless to say, I felt left out and awkward. We went to leave and jay had driven all four of them there and I was in a separate car. Jay told me that he would see me at home, that he had to drop James off at his house, and Toni and Lisa at their cars. I said okay. Well as I am driving home I call Jay to see where he is because I was going to stop and pick up milk. He then told me that he was going to hang out with James. I asked if I could stop by and chill with them, as I didn't really want to go home. He told me that he wanted to spend time with his friends and that I need to cool off. He said that I wasn't invited to the pizza place so I should have never came and that I needed to go home and leave him to his friend. I said okay. I was ticked but whatever. So I decide to run by my best friends house to give her some pictures that I had borrowed and scanned. I drove to her house, which means I have to drive past the Taco Bell that Lisa and Toni had parked their cars at. I then noticed that Jays car was parked there and Toni's car but Lisa's car was gone. I called Jay to ask him what was going on and why his car was parked there. He didn't answer his phone and when I finally got ah old of him he told me that him and James decided to go with Lisa and Toni to drop off Lisa's homework for one her college classes. I then said, well are you guys going back to James house? Because I am going by Tiffany's to drop off pictures and since she lives down the street I will stop by for a bit. He then told me not to come by, that he wanted to hang out without me. I was confused about this, considering he has never told me to not stop by somewhere. He finally came home around 11pm. He said that he couldn't believe the way that I was acting. I then told him that I got a weird vibe from Lisa. I feel like something was going on and that he wasn't telling me. I said that he lied to me when he decided to hang out with them and not tell me. I told him my "gut" feeling and he told me I was crazy. He said Lisa has a boyfriend, and that he has no interest in her. I asked him why I wasn't allowed to hang out with him and the other girls and James and that it looks suspicious to me. He said that they are his friends and that I don't need to be around when they hang out. So I just told him whatever and that I was done fighting about it.
So back track a few weeks and let me explain why I feel this way about Lisa. I was supposed to meet Jay at the gym a few weeks ago after he got off work. I went and was working out and trying to call him since he was an HOUR late. Finally I find out he stopped by Taco Bell after work with Lisa to grab a bite to eat, and I guess failed to let me know that he was going to be late, and also failed to answer his phone when I called him to see where he was. Whenever I have been around her she has always acted rude (Jay said that she is shy) but she doesn't really talk to me. Toni does talk to me and talks to me about her relationship with her boyfriend.
All of my friends say that after being together for as long as we have, that naturally all of our friends become each others friends and that he can't be mad at me for wanting to hang out with them. They said that they could understand when it is a bunch of guys having a guys night or something, but when there are women involved, especially after I have mentioned that how I feel about Lisa, that Jay should have made me feel comfortable about the situation by asking me to be there. What are your thoughts?
And do you think I am overreacting? And should I just ignore my gut feeling?
And in the 5 years that we have been together, this is the first time anything like this has happened! I always hang out with "his" friends because they are my friends too. And he hangs out with "my" friends because they are his friends too....
and FYI, I DID NOT know that my ex was cheating on me until I found out from a friend and that is why we broke up! He hid it that well, and I trusted him!
And the reason I called when I stopped to get milk was to ask if he needed anything else...I always do that and he always does that for me. I don't find it weird to call and say "I am stopping to get milk, do you need anything else while I am here?"
And I didn't think that it was weird to stop and eat with them! He would have and has done the same thing! I don't ever feel like I need to be "invited" somewhere and I never "invite" him anywhere, because there is always that open invitation. I let him have his "guy time" but I had brought up the feeling about Lisa before and he told me I was nuts. I figured that instead of telling me stay away, that he would have wanted me to come along to see that nothing was going on.
xxxix -- the reason I didn't know was because we were in high school and first year of college when he cheated on me! And he cheated on me with someone who KNEW she was the other woman and was fine with it! They were very good at hiding it! I was a cheerleader and worked and went to school, so I found out that while I was at cheer leading practice or at work was when they would hang out. I had ZERO clue.
And yes he was cheating on me, because when we broke up he came clean and said that she had gotten pregnant with his kid and had an abortion! Once I told him I knew he came clean and told me that he was cheating!
My thoughts? I'd be suspicious too. If a man loves you, he will include you no matter what. There is no " my time with my friends" unless it is only guys involved. You have a right to know the truth. A woman has an intuition for a reason.
i have been in situations where my fiance would hang out with friends [who we both knew and hung out with] and when I would go to hang out with them they would just be talking about stuff that I couldn't really contribute to and it made me feel left out. And when i would leave and get upset, my fiance told me "You should have brought something up that we all could have talked about." But I couldn't really do that when they are in the middle of a conversation about whatever and it would have just been rude to interrupt.
With your situation, it is possible that he just wanted some time to hang out with some friends [I don't know how your home life is, if he spends a lot of time there or not] and you shouldn't feel threatened that he doesn't invite you along every time. There will be times when you all hang out. But I still think its just common courtesy s to include everyone in a conversation.
Sit down and have a chat, without getting upset, and tell him how it made you feel when you were trying to hang out and you were left being ignored. It is hurtful. Hope you guys can work it out.
Teenagers grow and change into very different adults...something may be going on and it may have to do with you both growing up and growing apart...then again, he may just be goofing around with his work buddies (irregardless of whether they are men or women). Either you trust him...or you don't.
Your friends know nothing about marriage and friendships...no, not all of your friends become mutual friends with your spouse...that is not true. There is nothing wrong with a little bit of separate time with others...none of my friends are friends with my husband and only a couple of my husbands friends are mutual friends of mine...
You two need to work this out...he needs to be available to you and you need to stop stalking him on his free time. If you trust him - stalking him would be unnecessary.
You spent FOUR years with someone that you knew was cheating on you?!
That was wrong of him, certainly, but that doesn't give you any points for being smart at all. You have only yourself to blame for all that time wasted in that previous relationship, putting yourself Thur the unnecessary agony, and you should have dealt with all that baggage long before you got together with this guy you're with now.
All this rigmarole you're talking about....you JUST HAPPENED to be here, and JUST HAPPENED to be there....you needed milk so you HAD to call him....wt. This is nothing except you being suspicious. So, instead of dealing with it years and years ago like you should have, you're bringing this potential poison to a brand new relationship, and now it's starting to creep back in again.
You have friends.....he has friends......you MAY have overlapping of friends, but maybe not...it's just how it is. He needs time with his friends....so do you.
So...stop using ridiculous excuses to spy on him, and them...you will absolutely take one and one and add them together to get 7!
If you trust him....then DO SO......if you don't, then maybe you have learned a lesson this time and you'll FIX this warped mindset you have and deal with it now.
This is why people absolutely must be solid with themselves *before* they get into any relationship...otherwise all they end up doing is poisoning it with all the baggage they drag around with them from one relationship to another.
*** I find it really difficult to believe that you could be with someone (your ex) for four years and NOT know they were cheating on you, if that is, in fact what they were doing....sorry....but that's ridiculous.
Sometimes people need to hang out with other people that doesn't include their significant other. I don't think that excuses the way that he spoke to you; if he wanted sometime with his friends by himself, he should have told you. That being said, if you have a weird feeling about someone, then it would be wise for him to listen to you.
Well, first it is Not a rule that 'all friends must mingle'. I keep my friends and relationship separate.
Your story strikes me as a bit annoying. Say I'm going to hang out with a couple of pals from work....the last thing I want is my girlfriend to tag along. You felt like a 5Th wheel with his work pals, really...I wonder why? Oh, right...you don't work with them. They will make jokes about 'supervisor Bob', that you won't get...as you don't work there.
And worse, you are clingy. Bad enough that you had to invite yourself to this 'work pals pizza', but then you kept calling and calling and calling and begging and begging to hang out with him and his work pals more and more. Like you'd die if you did not hang out with him 24/7 or something.
There is nothing in your paragraph to indicate he is cheating. He could be, but you sure don't have any reason to think he is doing so. Your overreacting.
I do believe in gut feelings, though. So if you feel that you can't trust Jay, in your gut, then you might as well just dump him. After all, if your gut will 'think' that he is cheating any time he ever dares to speak to a woman, then why bother staying in a relationship with him?
bump that follow Ur intuition. let him do what he does follow him one night. "stay home"dint invite yourself. Honestly tho i think if he was cheating he wouldn't have bothered to introduce you two. Too close to home. Especially telling you he is with this chick? that isn't very smart if you are cheating. Maybe he just wants to have his "own thing" that doesn't include you. someone to vent to about your relationship without worrying about it getting back to you since all your friends have melded together.
But there are some other issues. The not picking up the phone thing i would have a problem with. and the being an HOUR late to a date with you (even if it was to the gym) is just disrespectful. ESPECIALLY since he was with someone else? he could have been with James for all I care that's disrespectful.
You dint really have anything concrete on the cheating situation I'm sorry to say, but he may be having an emotional affair with this chick. You say she has a bf herself they may be getting together talking about what they dint like about their relationships and that does not lead to good things.
Give him space, and let him get sloppy. If he truly is cheating it will come out. What happens in the dark comes out in the light.
Married or People in Long Term Relationships, got a question about opposite sex friends for you. I Need Advice?
